Welcome to motherhood!!!.....now where’s the manual?

Before I became a Mum I can now confidently say, I was a very selfish creature.  In reality, I think the most altruistic of people get a shock when the reality of Mum life kicks in and for me that happened instantaneously (like day 1) 

I remember coming home from hospital and realising that life had now changed. I had just entered into a whole new chapter, one that I knew absolutely nothing about! I was a self-acclaimed un-maternal woman who had maybe held two babies in my entire life, never changed a nappy and actually not really been around kids younger than me, even as a child, as I was an only child. 

I have spoken to other mum’s about this, and even the most experienced of ladies felt that they were on a whole new playing field when it came to their personal experience of being mum. 

My labour, although taking a whole 24 hrs, went well. I had to have an episiotomy which left me with some stitches by my bottom and they felt weird….trying to wipe was a challenge for quite a few days, but that was minor. Everything else felt a much bigger issue! 

I’m going to be brutally honest instead of fluffing up my entry in to mum-life, because I’m confident there will be a whole lotta mum’s out there who felt like this, but will feel too guilty to admit it. We are told how incredible the gift of mother-hood is and I don’t dispute this, it is amazing. We are blessed to be able to have babies and experience this, BUT, despite all the gratitude in the world, there was a lot of time when I felt like I had just had a ball and chain attached to my BOOB!!! 

All babies are different, and mine was a little booby monster. In fact, he still is. He is 2 and half years old and whilst he is not still breastfeeding, he does still think my chest is his personal comforter. He doesn’t care where we are, if he gets a chance his hand is down my top (great for the old guys in M&S getting an eye-full, not so great for my self-respect! )

The great mum-life balance

So, back to being a New-Mum… those first few days, weeks, years even are a time of adapting. You think you’ve cracked something and then all of a sudden, they’re not happy with that plan, so it’s back to the drawing board! This is fun if you have literally nothing else to do in life, but let’s be honest, we all need to pee, shower, cook food, as well as try to keep the house in a decent enough order to live in. Then we have the massively important thing called self-care. This phenomenon is different for every mum, for some it might be just enjoying a bath in peace, painting your toe nails and just feeling clean, refreshed and sick free for 5 minutes. For others this may be cooking or reading or in my case exercising! Nothing was stopping me from training when pregnant, not even a bump. I trained till I was a week overdue… it is not so easy with a demanding little personal alarm going off every time you put them down. 

I remember so vividly being in the house alone, which due to my circumstances, was actually the case all of the time. I have since learnt that doing the parent journey alone is a precursor for post-natal depression, but I think that even with a partner it can still be a lonely time. 

I was so hungry and I just wanted some breakfast. After trying multiple times to put my brand-new baby down, I thought of a new tactic. I got my sling and secured him to my boob then tightened my dressing gown around us to make sure he was secure (I’m not recommending this method; it’s risky with a wriggler). Off I went to make brekkie. Obviously this method didn’t work and he kept sliding down my body then crying. I was fed up (not literally to my dismay….I was hungry and quite miserable). I just wanted breakfast!!! 

Then there was a knock at the door. It was the mid-wife with a student midwife. They came in and pretty much interrogated me about how I was feeling, which I’m sure was meant to be supportive, but it felt like I was under scrutiny! They checked the way I was breast-feeding and gave me some instructions that I couldn’t get my head around, then advised they would book an appointment for the breast-feeding specialist nurse to visit, which again was meant to be helpful but made me feel totally incompetent. 

When your hormones are rock bottom, you are probably in the most emotionally delicate place of your life and it doesn’t take much to make you feel like shit! 

When they left I just felt sad, alone and unable to even do anything to make myself feel better. On top of this, you have the cutest little creature who you are in awe of but for weeks they really don’t give you anything back, which adds insult to injury. 

Mothers are seriously not given half the amount of credit they are entitled to for simply giving up your personal freedom, for putting another person or person’s needs in front of your own. It’s a hard job and hard is not a word I tend to use before challenging, but it really is hard going! It tests your everything especially when your energy levels are low, you have had little sleep and your body aches from recovering from months of the incredible changes it went through to nurture and give life to a little person, who then comes along and sucks the life out of you even more! 

Mum-life wisdom: 

So, if I could go back two and half years I would tell myself, or any other women feeling like this: 

Trust your instinct, the one the old wives call a “mother’s intuition” – it’s so attuned to your baby it is actually your sub-conscious manual. I was actually doing a good job, I realise this now, but had no reassurance other than the fact that I have managed to raise a baby into an (albeit) crazy but cute and healthy little toddler. 

IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY…

Motherhood, even from day 1 is meant to be a rollercoaster, we just don’t get told that when we sign up. 

Scrap looking at Instagram or pinterest, unless you honestly enjoy keeping a pristine palace and cleaning is your personal therapy, then let it go!!! Focus on getting to know your baby and taking some time for yourself. These years go so quickly and even though the mantra that got me through the long nights was  -  “this is just a phase and it will pass”….it is exactly that.

And when it’s gone, you probably will miss the joys of that phase. 

Get audible or listen to podcasts, buy a book or a magazine. It will fare you and your mental health in much better stead than the MAJORITY of social media! 

Your hormones will be adjusting for a long time- remind yourself of this and don’t be afraid to remind others close to you. Your friend or the woman’s experience is not yours, so don’t compare yourself in this way either…. As the saying goes, “stay in your lane”, this is your mummy journey, nobody else’s. 

TALK ABOUT IT!!!!

Know who you can trust to be non-judgmental and be open. Being too proud of failing is a fast-stead way to becoming depressed. If you don’t feel you can confide in friends find a support group. Strongmum Facebook page has a support network where you can off-load and share stories. Come and join me and like-minded women today!