Addicted to negative thinking – How to deal with postpartum depression
This account is by no means an effort to offer a clinical approach to post-natal depression; it is simply my experience and an overview of the lessons I learnt.
The midwife sat opposite me while I was trying to desperately breast-feed my baby perfectly and asked “how are you feeling mentally”. “Great!” I responded, in fear that if I gave any indication that I was struggling with life, to be frank, that the situation would be escalated. From what I understand of a lot of post-partum depression, it is the failure to meet the expectations and demands of being a perfect mum which inflict a great weight on a woman’s shoulders and plunges her into a dark place. This is an exacerbation of fluctuating hormones which can make you feel like you would a few days before your period, but they keep spiking and you have no idea when this will stop.
So the days went on and I became more and more miserable because I couldn’t do the things I wanted or needed to do. I couldn’t control this little person, and I mean control in a caring sense. I felt helpless wanting to be able to respond to his every need and cry which was a demand for something, but I couldn’t!!!
A friend of mine came round the one day and as soon as she picked him up he stopped crying. This made me feel like absolute shit. Why, as his own mummy can’t I stop him from crying, but my friend, who he’s never met has just settled him within seconds? I failed to realise at the time that she actually had 3 children already and this crying baby was not her own, so was not provoking the same anxiety in me as it was in her.
We forget this too easily as mums – babies have something called mirror neurons. They basically reflect everything that you shine outwards, even when that is a dampened sparkle. You might notice this when you start to rush around in attempt to get to a class or appointment on time. Your baby starts riling up and you think “I really don’t need this right now”, but they are simply feeding off your heightened state.
So into the downward spiral I went……
My relationship was not straight forward during the time of pregnancy. A wise friend with a lot of life experience once told me that a baby will put pressure on even the best of relationships, and boy was she right!!! Being alone a lot of the time with a newborn who just cried at me, gave me far too much time to be alone with my thoughts, which were rapidly declining in spirits by the second. The more I thought of negative things, the more they happened.
I actually sought out counselling when I was about 4 months post-partum. My objective was to face my demons head on, but this just seemed to make me obsess even more about them.
It’s crazy how I had a Psychology degree, understood the fundamentals of human behaviour, but could not help myself! They say the hardest person to hold a mirror to is yourself, and I truly believe that is the case for so many individuals who need help with their mental well-being.
The turning point for me was a YouTube clip called, “addicted to negative thinking”. It was something that gripped me because I suppose deep-down I knew my negative thought patterns were happening all too often and despite counselling, I was returning to my weekly sessions to tell my therapist the same thing. The only thing was, I knew happiness was an inside job that only I had the power to create. This meant changing what I was currently doing and replacing it with something else, as the current situation was not changing or helping, so something had to give.
The turning point
I actually started to notice when I was about to jump on the merry-go-round of negativity. It still happens, and that is because as humans we are programmed to see danger. This was instilled in us as cavemen when our lives were risked by predators like sabretooth tigers. But because they no longer exist we deem new-age stress like appointment times, traffic, school-runs, social expectations, work deadlines and house chores as a threat to our lives…..without even realising it. The stressor that is personal to me is dwelling on past hurt and that’s what I let consume me when I was alone with my brand-new baby and just thoughts. This became a daily habit until I had programmed it in to my subconscious mind and would think about it without even realising.
The way I dealt with this was by talking to myself, or actually muttering to myself – “this is not productive”, then making myself talking myself through a positive mantra of “I am strong, I am confident, I am happy with myself”.
This seems like the most insane thing to do if you are not used to it, but it’s actually the best method I have found in staying sane and improving my mental health. I also apply the same technique to challenging situations, like training, staying calm when my testing toddler is challenging my every ounce of patience. It takes times to get your head around, quite literally, but the first step is being aware of what you are allowing to ruminate in your mind.
Mum-life wisdom:
Everyone’s is different, on every level, even if you and a friend are similar, there will be so many factors that vary; your child’s temperament, your family dynamics, your hormones. You really can’t and therefore shouldn’t compare yourself to another! (I made friends with a Mum at the doctors surgery one morning and we became walking buddies. She mentioned to me about 18 months into our friendship how she struggled initially as a mum with her mental health, but how I always seemed to have it all together…..she was so wrong – I think I cried most of the time I was alone in the house – this just goes to show how our perceptions can be so wrong, so don’t assume that someone else is having a better ride that you).
When the darker days set in, you have to get your boxing gloves on and hit them head on. Allow them to fester and they will take control of you. Have things in place to counter them, a journal to dump your thoughts, a positive audio or your favourite song to hit play on and distract you. I now use post-it notes to remind me of positive mantras I want to feed my mind with, instead of the garbage I used to dump in my mind repeatedly.
I will probably bring this point up on most blogs because it is so important.